Navigating Blindly (revised)

This game of hide and seek,

Did not end a day too soon.



Lost in a daze,

Around the days,

That followed losing you.



A fractured heart packed false hope,

set the cruise control,

for a destination anywhere

Away from the life

That did not make sense,

Without you.



The rearview mirror

Could not reflect the hurt

This place echoed

In your absence.



Cancer stole your breath,

And I promised you

I would not waste a breath,

Of this life,

You gave me.



In North Carolina,

Mom spoke of you.

The love resurfaced in her eyes,

I saw the night you reunited

In room 323.



She said you looked like a little boy,

Eyes of wonder.

Then her eyes filled

Seeing you,

disappear.



She is happy someone saw the man

She fell in love with.

The gentle,

tender one,

That proposed at the kitchen sink.



Father’s day left me

Victimized.

Without you.

I drove to Houston to be with Lindsay,

So you could smile down on

us.



A drunk driver hit my car while we slept,

And I awoke to realize,

You,

Could not help

Me.



I have a constant wonder

Of what you are doing,

What you are thinking,

What you are doing…

Up there.



It followed me to Portland,

Reflected in the river,

Where it danced the surface,

With the fireworks.



They welcomed us in celebration,

The beginning of a journey,

Of two sisters,

Looking for answers to questions

They did not yet know.



A wild scavenger hunt,

With a blank list.

No where to go,

But nowhere to be.



Had to be better than where we were.

We had each other now,

That was all you wanted.

It was all we needed.





I woke up on a sailboat,

After San Francisco gave me a lucid dream,

And I felt you on the dock with me,

That morning.



The city I called you from

years earlier.

You told me to come home,

And you became my best friend.

I was almost 19,

But I felt like I met you for the first time.



A week later,

Arizona found us camping.

Tears dressed my sunburned cheeks

The first night I crawled into a tent,

and didn’t see you.



It sent me to Virginia,

Just three summers ago,

Where we escaped the world together.

You taught me how to find happiness,

With nothing.



Who knew it had been there

all along.



I carried it home.



You changed my life in seven days.

Six months later,

They told us you were losing yours.



Waffle house poisoned my belly,

Somewhere in Georgia.

I spent two days lying under covers,

Watching the rain cry down Mom’s windows.



Remembering.



That card you wrote me that said

My voice brightened your ever-gloomy days.

I wished I could hear yours,

If just a second.



We crossed the bridge to a welcome sign,

New Jersey offered to greet our dirty feet,

And wild stories,

That I would not share,

with you.



The daze still surround these thoughts of you,

But the days no longer blur

The life I miss.



Now they define

A new love,

Anew life.



I am still learning my way,

From you losing you.

black and white to color ( revised)

I met you on a Monday,

and you snuck into my head

like a catchy pop song.



Two weeks later,

you kissed me under a sprinkler in the heat of Brooklyn,

and I felt like I opened my eyes

to the whole world.



My seemingly gray life,

was suddenly painted

wildly vibrant shades of colors

I never believed in.



The background to my day

is now so illusory,

so captivating,

even the rain is nostalgic,

and I never liked the rain.



We,
Instantly created a lovely melody.

A rhythm so natural,

Our bodies already knew each step,
They were just anticipating the cue.

This dance is effortlessly

Brilliant.



It has revealed this golden path

That may lead us anywhere and everywhere,

And I wouldn't care.



Destination is a silly detail

When my hand fits so perfectly

In yours.



Restlessness fills the days around you.

Who could want to miss a second of this feeling?



Who needs sleep when we have this?



I want to fill all my tomorrows with you,

And the delicate simplicity that instantly became

Us.



Because “ us,”

Turned my black and white

To color.

breath to lifeless words

The same old songs

suddenly sound like unreleased versions.

The lyrics haven't changed, 

yet they have,

to me. 

I've translated all of them,

now they all sing

of you.

About you,

and for...

you.

They follow me through my day,

and sing smiles into my steps.

Like your voice in my ear

but it doesn't sound like you

it echos you.

You.

You have given breath to these lifeless words.

on my way to believing

Some people spend their whole lives looking for something they'll never find.

I try to live my life expecting and wanting nothing in some silly effort leave space to be pleasantly surprised rather than disappointed.

It has definitely improved my ratio of happiness to heartache, in a care-free if it happens, it happens sort of way.

And then there's that realization that most of us hate to be reminded of; things happen in your life when you're not looking for them to.
Yet, so often we seek love in moments of loneliness, or search for happiness in times of sadness.

These feelings, these things, are temporary.

In my experience, seeking a quick fix to these feelings inflicts a crazy spiral of events and relationships that were built upon need and want; essentially guaranteeing their own demise and inevitably returning you right back to where you started before you selfishly sought out the easy solution.

It's when were not scavenging or expecting that the timing seems to end up being just so perfectly coordinated with a level of vulnerability and openness to something new; to the unexpected.

We are with our guard down, at our most unprotected state, creating the only real chance for...chance.

Because sometimes, leaving the openness for the possibility of something, allows for the once-in-a-lifetime to happen.