In Tune

When we are in tune with ourselves, everything around us just seems to sound better... but how does it happen?

It's that inner peace we all struggle to achieve.
The right page when we always seem to be one ahead or two behind.
The self acceptance that some how inevitably gets interrupted by self doubt and insecurities.

But maybe it can all come together. Maybe our emotions are in-sync, and the soundtrack finally fits the day it lands on.

It's a perfect symphony that took years of patient, gentle, careful practice, fine tuning, and the right timing to get all the sounds to harmonize.

It is no accident. It is no coincidence.
It is the result of patience, persistence, hope, and love.

I finally hear this beautiful melody, and I don't think my ears will ever tire of the sound.

The descent

Sundays will forever hold a special place in my heart.
Between blue-skied boat days with Dad, and sitting around the Pflug's dinner table with the only real family I've ever known, it easily became my favorite day of the week.
Today is the first Sunday of September, and everything feels so right outside this morning. . .

There's a bird that keeps circling around the biggest tree in my backyard. The limbs of it keep wiggling in the wind, and I watch as he let's himself fall into the breeze and ride it; wings spread taking in this new September air.

It's that moment of calm I felt yesterday that made me smile as I hoped it would become I feeling I might come to know more often. It was during my bike ride; the leisurely, casual bike ride I couldn't resist taking down to Princeton when I walked out with my keys in my hand and saw my beg practically begging for me in the sunlight.

It's funny how much further away that Starbucks became with a heavy bag slung over my shoulder, humidity sticking my denim to my legs, and the undeniable fact that there were suddenly a lot more hills en route than I remember.

 Ok, so maybe there weren't, but my legs and my shortness of breath were evident that I really could have just taken the drive with the windows down.

Forty-five minutes later, I parked my bike at Starbucks. I put myself together in the bathroom, and promised myself to enjoy my coffee, and my lunch plans, and not spend the day dreading the ride home.

I didn't.
I actually forgot about it until saying goodbye, and trying to recall the combination for my lock. I started off with my ipod, switched hip-hop for Dave, and took my time pedaling to the music.

Before the end of " Crash," I realized the whole ride was downhill.

I flipped my sunglasses down and held my arms out, palms up, and let my legs enjoy the rest and put my smile to work.

That was it. . .

My whole life, I've been fighting and struggling up that hill. For years, life made it so steep I thought I'd start slipping backward; I stood up and pedaled stronger.

In the lull between inclines, I inadvertently cranked up my gears to keep that challenge, to maintain my momentum, to motivate myself through the next push.

Somewhere during those years of innocence, I stopped looking for the top; I couldn't. I think a part of me forgot that it might exist, and just hoped I would have the energy to fight another day, every day. One day stronger, one day closer, to something that I never even knew, but I couldn't wait to experience; the end of the climb.

Here it is.

Suddenly, I'm coasting through and instead of focusing on the climb, I can finally enjoy this ride. 

Today, feels different. The sky, yep, still blue.

My stomach is already growling for dinner at the Pflugs.

 And it will be, yet another Sunday, with no boat, and no Dad. 

But today, finally, that feels...ok.

I made it to the other side, and I know that today is his gift to me to tell me how proud he is for chugging along with out him. Today, is the most beautiful Sunday because it begins my descent, and it's leading me to love;It's leading me home.

Listen with all your heart

Most people are pretty active when they engage in conversation. It is in that nod- along-and-pretend-to-understand sort of way, that so many of us do with out even realizing it. Our minds are so preoccupied creating these menial, mental post-it notes that, before any talking even takes place, our mind's are already elsewhere.

I was well aware of this before I started bartending, but three years later, my acknowledgment to people's inability to listen has grown from a casual realization, to a potential epidemic.

We all want to be heard, right? Yet how often we interrupt, revert conversation to ourselves, change the subject, or completely disregard and ignore what someone is trying to say?

 It's really easy to hear someone, but when was the last time you listened? Really listened to some one attempting to put their life experience into verbiage. It's not an easy thing to do, and I always admire the attempt. Whether it's a lonely person behind a beer bottle, or the manager of Jiffy Lube desperate to share the story of his friend's battle with cancer. We're all so busy listening to our busy brains, we miss so many moments to let some one be heard.

You know because you realize that people hear you all day, but you have an exhausted feeling of competing for words; competing to put in your thoughts and opinions.

There's an amazing silence between sentences. An understanding between words, between breaths. A gentle acceptance exchanged with out any verbal agreement. Offering your thoughts and emotions to someone because they're listening. It's a comfort that not many people get the chance to enjoy, or worse, perhaps they do daily, but they take those volunteered ears for granted.

But when it's mutual; when two people really dedicate themselves to listening, an amazing relationship is instantly born. I think it's called listening with your heart. . .
It is an inherently rare quality, but there are some out there that posses it.

 The catch is, you have to be listening with your heart too, or you won't hear anything....

When you do, suddenly, the competition has diminished. The awkward dance of dressing up your words to try to interest someone is over. You've found someone that doesn't hear your words, they listen.

It's like they've decoded your language, and suddenly you can't help but tell them all your secrets that have been aching to be heard.

Because at the end of the day... aren't we all just aching to be heard?

The Leap

I'd say insecurities pretty much come with the territory that is life. Some cry louder than others, some fester and grow, while others are ignored and shrink. Regardless, we all have our doubts, or uncertainties about our attributes, attitudes, relationships, life choices, careers, and  of course, our appearance.


A lot of insecurities can be paralyzing. They can restrain us from so many things leaving us " wishing" we could say what we wanted to say, do what we really wanted to do, or act a way that wasn't premeditated and calculated, and was just...real. 


With no worry of judging eyes, or strangers whispers or obscene opinions. The sad part is that "idea" is probably just that to so many. A blissful idea of a reality they'll never believe can actually exist. 


I wonder how many people wish that they didn't need to rationalize, and justify, and explain why they were doing what they're doing because they finally grasped the idea that approval just isn't always necessary. 


I've taken my share of stumbles, in modest terms that's a whole lot of straight face-plant-in-the-dirt-kick-me-when-I'm-down moments in my life; literally probably too many for me to even count, but I survived it.


No matter how many times I've done it, risked it, lost it all, won a little, I'll never lose my courage, ever. I'll never be too scared to take that risk or that chance. 


That this is my life, and I want to live it with confidence, and not let my urges to second-guess and cross-check myself create an obstacle for me to take control of what I want to do and where I want to go.


It's really easy to sit in the passenger seat and watch the scenery go by. But I've never really been the passive type. I'd rather be the one to decide where I'm going. 


This year, I've learned to shut my mouth, shrug my shoulders, and trust my gut. . . I have a safety net that hasn't failed me yet. <3 Guess it's time to take that leap

If we knew then....

At some point, in the frustration of trying to explain ourselves, rationalize our behaviors, justify our thoughts, and articulate our true feelings, we start to wish we had someone that  just knew.


That just knew how we felt,
 that understood what we were thinking, 
and could offer us that safe place where we could trust our true self, heart exposed, with no judgement to be passed. 


That person that could hear everything you DIDN'T say, and could tell you anything you didn't want to hear because you would value their truth more than anything else because sometimes, most times, they prove to know you better than you know yourself.


That person that knew you before you grew up; before we learned to filter and censor and suffer and withdraw. Those days when we acted with out thinking about consequences, and the people that were truly attracted to our inner beauty before life could take over and complicate things. 


Before we knew how to protect ourselves, and build up our defenses... When we let people in accidentally, before we learned what being vulnerable meant. 


The beautiful, simplified friendship that grew up before we could really cherish it the way we would have wished to.


The one you knew was so special then, but has only become more special in hindsight. The friend you never took for granted, but that you never feel like you could ever satisfy your gratitude toward, because to this day you still think of them and smile for the place they will forever hold in your heart.  You're still learning from them, and you know you'll never stop.


The friend that you know would be there, anywhere, wherever life leads you, if you should ever need them. When time and distance are just irrelevant because it will never dissipate the comfort of your friendship.


Maybe it's a tiny period of time in our life that we're really able to make those true life long friends. . . I'm so lucky to have made mine. My compass through this crazy journey I can't imagine with anyone else. 


<3 AP
<3 AI ( thanks for the inspiration)

goosebumps and smiles

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVI254QGSQ4