Every Step I take

I made a donation page today, in honor of the Long Branch DetermiNation Half Marathon May 2nd. The page isn't just to ask for your money, which would be very much appreciated, but it's also to tell my story, my Dad's story. It explains why I run, and it explains why this Half Marathon is so very special to me. 


DetermiNation is a newly formed team of endurance athletes to raise money for the American Cancer Society. To run the half marathon, runners are required to raise $500. Naturally, I decided to double my goal, and shoot to raise $1,000. 

The American Cancer Society:



Even if you can't make a contribution, I'd love to share the story with you. It's a really important piece of my passion and a significant source of my new strength. 

Sunday- Pure Potentiality

Today is The Law of Pure Potentiality.

 " Take time to be silent, to just BE. Meditate for 30 minutes twice a day. Silently witness the intelligence within every living thing. Practice non-judgement."

I love that potentiality is linked to practicing non-judgment. In a society that seems to ridicule every walk of life, it's often difficult to realize even with  our best intentions we may be passing judgment; be it of ourselves, or of others.

In realizing our potential, perhaps we may come to a level of acceptance of who we are and what we are capable of.  This level of self acceptance would permit the ability to dismiss judgement of others predicated upon the self worth we hold in our selves and the ability to realize the potential of all those around us.

If we removed feelings of inferiority and superiority, would we level the playing field? It seems these feelings, on either side, become a boundary created within us that act as a restraint on discovering our true potential.

So maybe it is necessary to remember how simple it is to just BE... after all, that should be pretty simple, right?

Hope

There were a dozen white roses in my locker tonight with a note attached that said "hope."


In a religious context, hope is considered a spiritual grace.

The Greeks considered hope to be as dangerous as all the world's evils.

I find hope to be inspiring, motivating, and refreshing.

Hope promises optimism. Optimism is positivity.

There's not really a negative way to be hopeful.

So...what do I hope for?

That's easy.
I hope that I am a better person than I was yesterday.
I hope that I made a difference to someone today, even in a simple random act of kindness.
I hope my friends and family would reach out to me if they ever needed anything.
I hope that I can find laughter and love surrounding me through out my day.
I hope that I never lose hope.

I suppose these random, beautiful flowers are a breath of positivity, a dose of optimism, that anyone would crave.
 Sounds delicious, but I suppose I'll just enjoy their beauty and resist consumption.

The Law of Detachment

I read The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Deepak Chopra,  almost four years ago while camping in Virginia with my father. To this day, I have no idea what made me choose that book in our library raid before we departed, but I certainly didn't anticipate the effect those pages would have on my outlook on life. 

There was a magical recipe to that trip to Virginia and the essential ingredients that combined to send home a different person than the one that just wanted a week to tan. This book was a huge component.

My Mom mentioned the book the other morning, and told me that she was revisiting it. 

I smiled. ( surprise)

Not a bad idea; think we can all use a refresher on the powerful principles to fulfill our desires and discover effortless joy. 

The idea is simple; to put them into practice and realize you can manifest anything you dream about.

Sounds too good to be true; but I have lived by these principles, and even just implementing one at a time is a good start. 

So let's take today, as they are seperated by the seven days of the week:

Friday- The Law of Detachment

" Allow yourself and others the freedom to be who they are. Do not force solutions-- allow solutions to spontaneously emerge. Uncertainty is essential, and your path to freedom. "

Who likes the clean up?

I worked a luncheon today with a girl that literally screamed curse words in my face a week ago. I put the past, well, in the past, and kept a positive attitude for our five hour shift together. 

Somewhere in between me working entirely too hard, asking her questions about herself, and not bumping her tray full of food (as I may have done last week), I think I managed to sway her feelings about me. 

While we were cleaning up the aftermath, she said, " Now we just clean up our mess, and go on with our life." 

I laughed... shrugged... and then nodded, as if to display my thought process of translating her work advice, to life. Suddenly, I liked this girl.

  

I know she just meant the pavillion, but it was something too big for a room that small. 

A piece of peace

I've probably taken two yoga classes this year, but I some how twisted and contorted my way through a rather intense hour and a half ashtanga yoga. The last ten minutes, always my favorite, was deep relaxation.

Our instructor guided us through relaxing our bodies, clearing our mind, and letting and thoughts just come and go with emphasis on focusing on the peace we were feeling and the heat we'd just worked so hard to create within ourselves.

She offered us her hopes that we would take that peace and carry it with us, incorporate it into our every day, and allow it to enrich our lives.

Seems I learn again, we have to start on the inside, and work our way out.

changing path

Last Saturday, my little town of Rocky Hill was hit with " a no-name-hurricane." Somewhere between the trees it cracked and uprooted to to the river it flooded, the running trails were blocked off with caution tape.

By Wednesday, the third day of delicious sunshine, there were a few of us out there making the most of the obstacle course that lay ahead of us. With mud-speckled calves, soggy sneakers, and a few tree hurdles, it made for a slightly more complicated run than usual.

Today, only one week later, I didn't see an obstacle course. This morning's sun revealed a path that looked restored; in the process of healing. It was the path I remember before the destruction; the one that had no end in sight and let me decide my journey and my pace.

I hope that today, I can embody the transformation of this trail, and echo it's strength.

Sleepytime

Sleepytime tea, for those that aren't familiar, is the most soothing tea before bed.

Months after my father passed away, just the smell of sleepytime brought me to restlessness. It was a pre-bed tradition with my Dad; two bags in the tall Pier 1 flower mug with the black handle. Microwave for 3 minutes, and carry quickly to his bedside because the handle was too hot to walk casually.

He would peel his glasses off and crease the page of his book when tea arrived. He would sit himself up with pillows for, and sip in a "its-too-hot-to-actually-drink" sip.

He'd share one of my childhood stories, mutter about work projects, or talk about the summer ahead and his big plans for fixing up the boat or the house. The topic didn't particularly matter; it was just always the comfort of tea, talk, and Dad playing with my hair while I lay beside him listening.

I don't remember when I started making two mugs of Sleepytime, but I remember when I stopped.

Tonight, my roommate moved in. He was practically done by the time I got out of the shower, and running errands the rest of the night. I told him I was going to bed, and asked him if he needed anything to be comfortable. He looked hopeful and asked, " Sleepytime tea?"

So tonight, I made two mugs. . . this time mine was in the tall Pier 1 mug with the black handle. Two bags. Extra hot.

the incessant virtue

Oh patience, how you continue to tickle my emotions, drive me to insanity, force me to laughter, and remind me to take a deep breath only to wonder, " what am I supposed to learn from this moment?"

It followed me home Friday night, sitting with my head on my steering wheel through bumper to bumper in a two-hour traffic delay. It was waiting for me when I got home Saturday night, flipping my light switch half a dozen times till I realized it probably wasn't going to make the power come back on. It found me on every side street I took to try to get home from the gym, only to find road closed signs and orange cones barricading me from my intended route.

Patience is one of those qualities that can be flexed so often, and still be so weak. It's our nature to want things now, and get frustrated when there is not instant gratification.

Patience is a virtue, absolutely. But maybe it shouldn't be such a dreaded one. Just maybe, we can learn to embrace those little hiccups of life  that remind us to slow down and be in the moment.

I'm a junkie

Dictionary

inspiration |ˌinspəˈrā sh ən|noun1 the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative : Helen had one of her flashes of inspiration | the history of fashion has provided designers with invaluable inspiration.• the quality of having been so stimulated, esp. when evident in something : a rare moment of inspiration in an otherwise dull display.• a person or thing that stimulates in this way : he is an inspiration to everyone.• a sudden brilliant, creative, or timely idea : then I had an inspiration.• the divine influence believed to have led to the writing of the Bible.2 the drawing in of breath; inhalation.• an act of breathing in; an inhalation.

Inspiration, if I had to define it, is a lot more than just a noun. It's a feeling that trickles through into everything you see, think, feel, and do. It carries you through the hardest days, and gives you an inexhaustible amount of energy to chase after it. Inspiration is one of those tricky things, you always want it, but you can't really just go out and seek it. You can play your part right, but essentially, it has to find you. 

When it does, it's worth the wait.  It offers a such a sense of clarity and inner peace.

I'm an inspiration junkie, and I have no shame in admitting that. I love the feeling it fills me with, and the ambition and passion that follow behind it like a game of following the leader. 

What inspires me changes...a lot. Half flaw, half strength, it doesn't take much to get an idea in my head and I'm already running with it. 

I don't like to stand still waiting for something to come along and find me. So, I'm usually a complete hypocrite, and I scavenge for a taste of inspiration at any expense, as a junkie would, just a little to get me through my day. 

But what has really inspired me, is something I read yesterday in my research: 

" The American Cancer Society estimates that  one third of all cancer deaths to nutrition, physical inactivity and/or obesity/ being overweight. Due to earlier detection and better treatment options, survival rates for individuals diagnosed with cancer continue to increase. Fitness professionals can play a meaningful role in helping these individuals recover from a life-threatening disease and take new steps toward a healthier lifestyle."

Did I just have my big ah-ha moment?

To know that I can help people recover from this disease and build a healthier life, is awe-inspiring for me. I feel like I've found the compliment to my passion, and now I just want to chase after it . . . 

Well, as soon as I'm done studying foie gras and boullabaisse ...

Insatiable Hunger

I'm always craving more from life, not necessarily for my stomach. Not because I'm in a constant state of need or want, but because I enjoy the challenge of setting a goal for myself;  facing the obstacles, putting forth the effort, and the sheer will it takes to accomplish one. Whether it be a small feat for a day, or a long term goal that takes some serious dedication and focus to work toward. 

I'm not sure when setting goals became something so essential in my life; perhaps it was something instilled in me. It gives me a sense of purpose, a path to follow, if even just a jump to a new stepping stone across the pond. 

There's something refreshing about the new view it reveals and brushing your hands together to step back and look at the progress you've made. Sometimes, it's kind of like a drawn out game of checkers;w hen you only have one king left that you just keep moving back and forth between two spots. But sometimes, it's just creating that initial motion, and rebuilding a sense of self worth and accomplishment, that's enough to get some real momentum going. 


Just enough that when the dust does settle, you're not surprised at what is revealed. 

What a bond to break

A year ago today I lost someone I've never known life with out.
A year ago today, I couldn't fathom getting through a single day with the pain I carried in my heart.

Today just so happens to be the most beautiful day of 2010. My father never wasted a day of sunshine, and I must carry on that piece of him.

Grieving and celebrating someone's life is quite a rollercoaster. Yesterday was on the downward slope, and today seems to be the part you can coast through and enjoy the view, catch your breath, and realize that you've survived in spite of your self doubts and the scariest highs and lows you've ever imagined.

It's the true acceptance of all those moments of the year that I wished I could have shared with him, but he's not coming back.
I'll never see him again.

My phone will never display his name on my caller ID.
I'll never get another birthday card, or directions.
He'll never change my oil again.
We'll never have another boat day, or go camping in Virginia.
We'll never take the dogs to the park.
I'll never be crushed in his hug or get a kiss on the forehead.
He won't appear for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
He won't call me with all the weekly specials at the grocery store.
I can't call him when I find a new job with benefits.
We'll never have another dinner together.
I'll never watch The Simpsons on Sunday.

Yet, here I am, and he will never be again.
That comfort in believing it gets easier in time has never really been much more than a lame pat on the back to me.

I choose to believe that I am, very much, my father's daughter. The life he wished he could've enjoyed to it's fullest is now left to me to lead, and know that he is alive through it. Even through losing him, he is still teaching me more about this crazy journey.

As much as I wish I could get his wise-old advice, he promised me he'd keep an eye on me. . . so I know I'll be ok.

Every Step I take, every move I make

a lifetime to go

I held my face in cupped hands of cold water this morning.
I pushed the left side of the split mirror over to reach for my eye de-puff cream, and rubbed it around my eyes with out a reflection.

I closed the mirrors and caught a glimpse of myself looking back. I took a deep breath and turned my back fast enough to ignore the sadness filling my eyes.

I scuffed downstairs in my furry slippers and went straight to the back porch. I rested my forearms on the wooden rails and watched the geese grazing by the creek. I closed my eyes and felt the chilled morning air on my eyelids, and let go of the sigh that marked this morning as... different.

I reread Alyssa's message from last night for an instant comfort.

She encouraged me to embrace the pain of my loss, and  to realize that remembering the memories is the closest thing we have to those we've lost.

Today, the sun is shining, and she said it's a good day for grieving and for celebrating. I'll have to agree.

How lucky I am to have a best friend that is my constant.
 A decade together and a lifetime to go.

goodnight moon

My whole body aches from too much work and not nearly enough sleep. That doesn't even account for the heavy heart I'm carrying around all day and the head to match.

At the end of a day that started nineteen hours ago, every part of me just wanted to cry driving home tonight. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and that I-wish-I-could-blink-my-eyes-and-be-in-bed-already feeling that wouldn't negate the thirty minute drive still ahead of me.

I called my sister, Lindsay, hoping she might pass the drive. Voicemail. I turned on the radio, hoping it might energize my drive, and then heard that song I can't listen to with out crying, and swatted the dial like a fly. I cracked my window for some air and caught a glimpse of the moon.

It looked so calm and bright that it just radiated warmth and serenity. It took me all day, but I found a reason to smile.

It all comes around

I just started training at Rat's Restaurant at the grounds for sculpture yesterday, and today I met one of my new co-workers. After a quick name swap, I asked him  if my tie looked alright to him.

He looked down at it, and then back up at my uncertain smile, and quickly covered the laugh that was still rather audible behind his hand. Naturally, I sighed, and mumbled my pathetic explanation of how I watched a youtube video that morning to try to learn how to tie a tie, and some how managed to tie one too many knots in it.

Benjamin, clearly amused, was already reaching up to pull my tie off and fix it for me. I thanked him, twice, and he looked me in the eyes and said, " You know, I don't know you, but I want to help you," in his spanish accent. I smiled; I think I actually thanked him again, and he said, " You are a good person. I can tell these things. You stick with me today, and I will show you everything you need."

Yes, yes he did. For four hours, he showed me everything he could cram into my head, with anticipation of more lessons for tomorrow. He told me he looked forward to working with me, and I asked him why he was so nice. He told me that he likes coming to work, and he's happy to be around people that feel that same way. I just kept smiling, until he mocked me for smiling so much.

I told him that I left my last job on a quest to find a place where people felt what he just described. He closed his eyes and nodded his head down and just said, " yes."

well hi there readers

I just wanted to say that after working fourteen hours today, I love that I'm excited to come home and write for all my little followers.

 So, cheers to you all!

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my thoughts.

To all those I know are following, thank you all so much for your messages and responses. It means so much to me.
To any others that may be reading, feel free to comment or message me.

It's really inspiring to have an audience; you're all wonderful  :)

Boundaries and Beginnings

I spoke to two of my dearest friends yesterday, and am just realizing over breakfast how perfectly those conversations fit together.

The first, about building boundaries in a relationship to indulge that piece inside of us that needs to hold control, or at least a sense of it. About knowing our limits with someone that we may be treading water with, to know how far we will let ourselves follow them to the deep end before we have the sense to realize we are up against someone that doesn't want to be "saved" by love.

Perhaps a lesson anyone can learn from, but I know how many times I've jumped right in the deep end to risk it all for someone I love. It's an exhausting process and it's one that we, or perhaps more appropriately, I don't even realize I'm doing.

 Love challenges all of our boundaries, and it has a crazy way of making us forget that some times, we can't be the hero. Sometimes, love doesn't win. But the more this lesson is learned, I think it becomes... less difficult to realize that it doesn't mean love loses either. It's kind of like t-ball when we were little. Every game was a tie, no matter what team really won. There were no expectations or needs, strategies or tricks; both sides were just in to play.

So you've saved yourself from the deep end, or you've walked away with another tie; breathe in not an end, but a new beginning.

My friend asked me last night how I keep relationship issues from creeping into every other part of my life. He explained that he struggles to be happy with out his girlfriend in everything in his life, mood in general.

I told him that he can't let himself be defined by a relationship. They are meant to be extensions of ourselves, and sometimes we get attached from the enjoyment and perhaps distraction of them when other aspects of our life may not be so fulfilling.

But, at the end of it all, you are still you. You were you when you lost the last one, and you were you when you met the new one. Maybe one added something to your life, where the other may have taken something away.

We are a crazy compilation of our life experiences, and the people that we meet along the way. But in the end, it's all a choice of who we want to be, and who we want to share that with.

I tried to remind him that a break-up is temporary pain. I told him his bad lows are undeniably bad, but it doesn't compare to the reality of accepting that you will never see someone again.

It makes a break up seem a little more bearable. Not because I'm heartless, or don't care, but because I have that perspective on life.

Don't set boundaries to keep love out. Set boundaries to take care of yourself first. And not to be overly optimistic, but instead of seeing endings, why don't we try calling them new beginnings.


**thanks for the inspiration :)