Today

It is this breath
we are given,
these days we wake up to
that we, so very often,
take for granted.


Another day crossed off our calendars.
 A countdown to a day significant in the future,
ignoring all those that lie in-between.



A feeling of hopelessness on those days we are forced to endure
without the presence of someone that may make the day that much more meaningful.


Some days exist just to trap you in the past,
rather than a fresh breath to the future.

Yet, as isolated as those twenty-four hours may become,
somehow the next day usually promises relief to this inflicted despair,
in the perfect sort of contradiction.
To deflate and re-inflate that balloon of life
that shrinks and swells just as often as the temperature changes.

The beauty of today is defined by the resilience,
the perseverance,
and the ability to adjust and adapt
to anything and everything the day may bring.

The hope is for today, in spite of all the past disappointments and heart aches.

Hope for possibility that this crazy life sprinkles around random corners of our day
and in the faces we meet that may change our tomorrow.

Hope in ourselves; in our abilities and our capacity to touch other's lives
the way another may have touched ours.

Whether we think we're ready for it or not, life is happening.
And today, should never be just another day.
Today... is beautiful.

gratitude

A few months ago, my  conscious put me in a really difficult position that compromised any chance of me maintaining a really special friendship of mine with doing, what could only be described as, the right thing...

He may have never found out that I turned him in, but something told me that he would.

It was a chance, I'll assume, no one else wanted to take.
But he needed help, and everyone wanted to look the other way because it was easier.

Although, the right thing is never really supposed to be easy. This was certainly no exception.

So, I sacrificed a friendship of two years, with a pinch of hope that I might help this person by, quite possibly, ruining  his life.

I didn't really know what would happen. I just held strong to the idea that I knew the right thing to do, and couldn't "what if," much longer with out following through with what I knew I should do.

I took a chance. It hurt. For almost three months, I have heard nothing from him.

Yesterday, I received a message on my facebook. My heart started racing when I saw it was from him, and my eyes scanned the words with no expectation of what he could possibly want to say to me, but desperately seeking his feelings.

The last sentence turned my goose-bumps to tears, my tears to sobs, and my sobs to a really, really big smile. Gratitude is such an amazing gift.

"And when this first all happened I never ever ever ever ever ever expected myself to say this but for now, Thank you

another cup of coffee

A friday morning sunshine porch breakfast with hot coffee.

 I can't remember the last time I sat down to one, and maybe it just made this one taste that much better. 

My backyard groundhog friend is roaming around between the shadows the trees cast across the grass. The sky only has hiccups of clouds and the breeze is so slight but so appropriate.

I have another mug of coffee waiting for me in my french press, but I'm in no rush to pour it. . . Most mornings, I don't even finish my first cup.

So this is what calm feels like? Yeaahh, I remember this feeling. 

No little white rabbit running around for a few days. 

No clock or schedule.

I'm gonna soak up this calm, and then pour my other cup of coffee. 

luck need not apply

I totaled my car last Tuesday night, and all the blame lies on me. I struggled all week with guilt and my tortured thoughts of "what if's" and " why me's,"  that were more painful than my whiplash. As much as it pained me to tell of my accident, I'm grateful I talked about it as much as I did. 


I was forced to hear how lucky I am that I walked away from it, and to remind myself that cars are replaceable and...shit happens. 


When it comes down to it, it's easy to look back and wish that things could happen differenty. That we could go back and play our hand differently. Call a re-do and request that that just simply " didn't count." 


 Unfortunately, we rarely get the second chances we crave. Even more unfortunate to those with over-analytical minds that could spend hours and days replaying the sequences of events to find the errors  and create the ideal scenarios that are an utter waste of time because, well, it's already happened. 


So, it seems hard to swallow that I could be considered lucky for totaling my car. Allow me to dismiss that notion. If I believed in good or bad luck, I'd spend my days scavenging for four-leaf-clovers, and, well, I just don't have time for that. 


Life happens. My life keeps happening, usually without warning. Whether I'm ready for it or not, it keeps me on my toes to say the least. But it's not because I'm unlucky, or can't catch a break. 

It's happens to allow me to tell the story. To force me to keep my head up and practice trudging through whatever obstacle may throw itself in my path. 
It creates situations for me to define my character, my strength, my flaws... myself. 


Let's eliminate luck, and realize these occurrences  are not luck at all, they are us. They are unique. They are our lives, and they become our stories. 

This Sun ( revised)

This quiet warmth makes you feel present.
People surround me,

But I am completely alone.

For I am not here,
But there.

The air has breath,

But only under

This sun.

It reminds me to exhale

As the waves rewind
My fast-forward.
This confusion
Makes me

Pause.

In the stillness
I am moving,
Backward.
Those moments we shared,
Soaking,
Drifting,
Forgetting everything,
Under the brilliance of
This sun.
Nothing has changed of this scenery we reveled in.
Nothing is the same of days here.

For it is now.
Then,
Is simply a memory.
My skin will darken to flaunt my day spent here.
My heart will feel close to you,
But even for these hours.

My beach chair is almost as lonely as I feel,

Without you.

The ocean is too salty,

To swallow my tears today.
I fall asleep on the sand,
And wake up looking for you.

To see you glistening on your float,
Smothered in baby oil
Behind your Ray Bans,
A can of seltzer in one hand,

The other inviting me in.
Or sitting next to me,

Reading the novel you started that morning.
You are nearly finished,
Crunching on a hard pretzel,

Handing one my way just as I open my eyes.

I never knew I could miss some one

The way that I

Miss
You.


It has been fifteen months since I laid next to you,


In that stiff,

Borrowed bed.



Part of me knew

That would be our last night.

The little girl that missed out

On those twenty years with you,

Just was not ready

To let go.



So much happened that I lost my way

In this life,

That continued

Without me,

When you left.



I wish.

I wish I could call you for advice,

Or directions.



I wish I could see your smile on a Sunday,

On a Wednesday,

Or any day

At all.



Today,

I will carry you.

Transcended through the tender,

Golden Rays of

This sun.

Escape

Seeking an escape shouldn't have to mean that you're trapped. In my eyes, it should be sought every day. 

Nothing dramatic included; I mean the simplest of escapes that are hidden throughout our day but we're usually "too busy" to even notice them, or decide that we don't deserve to fit them in for ourselves because there are so many other things we "should be doing." 

I escaped to the beach yesterday. I sat still on the sand and quieted my thoughts for the first time in . . . .

An escape from your thoughts is definitely not easy to attain, completely underrated, and (absolutely unofficially) essential for some mental health/clarity. 

It's an amazing escape from the stress, worries, and daily polluted thoughts of anger, jealousy, want, need, and frustration. 

I'm no expert, but I can pretty much promise you that your to-do list won't go anywhere. 

The urgency of all the things you "have to do today," can, more likely than not, be rescheduled for tomorrow. 

Oh... and your phone? It has voicemail. Let it work for you sometimes. Go crazy, and leave it home for the day. It's like forgetting an appendage, but it's a liberating feeling.

So why not escape today? It's the perfect day for it. 

The best way out, is always through. 

Playlist

We shared The Beatles in a secretive way neither of us even noticed. The lyrics stuck in my head and the moments snuck into my heart.

It started with Sunday mornings, Breakfast with The Beatles drowning out the crinkling brown grocery bags before my eyes even opened.

Oh Bla Dee played carelessly as I armor-all’d the interior of the ruby red Ranger with the doors wide-open, Dad laying under the car, replacing the oil.

She loves me sang sweetly from the cabin of the boat as we swayed gently with the water, our toes dancing in harmony from our rafts.

Blackbird whispered when I crawled up next to his pillow and he shared his earbuds over my shoulder.

Our days apart were spent smiling over lyrics that offered a blanket to my shivers of guilt.

Later I’d discover I could provoke a smile by singing every word to Hey Jude during a somber drive to treatment.

It's brilliant how I can close my eyes to these very songs today and go right back to those moments. The playlist of our time.